Basically, it ain't no big deal. It took me about seven minutes to whup the first guy, who was
a regional master an also a professor in some college, which made me secretly feel kind of good. I
had beat a professor after all.
Nex was a kid about seventeen, an I wiped him out in less than half a hour. He thowed a
tantrum an then commenced to bawlin an cryin an his mama had to come drag him off.
They was all sorts of people I played that day an the nex, but I beat em all pretty fast, which
was a relief since when I played against Big Sam I had to keep settin there an not go to the
bathroom or nothin, cause if I got up from the chessboard he would move the pieces aroun an try
to cheat.
Anyhow, by that time I had got my way into the finals an they was a day's rest in between. I
gone on back to the hotel with Mister Tribble an found a message to us from Mister Felder, the
movie guy. It say, "Please call my office this afternoon an arrange for a screen test tomorrow
morning," an it give a telephone number to call.
"Well, Forrest," Mister Tribble say, "I don't know bout this. What do you think?"
"I dunno either," I says, but to tell the truth, it soun sort of excitin, bein in the movies an all.
Maybe I even get to meet Raquel Welch or somebody.
"Oh, I don't suppose it would hurt anything," Mister Tribble say. "I guess I'll call an set up
an appointment." So he call Mister Felder's office an be findin out when an where for us to go an
all of a sudden he cup his hand over the phone an say to me, "Forrest, can you swim?" An I say,
"Yup," an he say back into the phone, "Yes, he can."
After he done hung up, I axed why they want to know if I can swim, an Mister Tribble say
he don't know, but he recon we will find out when we get there.
The movie lot we gone to is a different place than the other one, an we was met at the gate
by a guard that took us to where the screen test is bein helt. Mister Felder is there arguin with a
lady that actually look somethin like Raquel Welch, but when he seen me, he is all smiles.
"Ah, Forrest," he say, "terrific you came. Now what I want you to do is go thru that door to
Makeup and Costuming, and then they will send you back out when they are finished."
So I gone on thru the door an there is a couple of ladies standin there an one of em say,
"Okay, take off your clothes." Here I go again, but I do as I am tole. When I get thru takin off my
clothes, the other lady han me this big blob of rubber-lookin clothes with scales an shit all over it
an funny-lookin webbed feet an hans. She say to put it on. It take the three of us to get me in the
thing but after bout a hour we manage. Then they point me in the direction of Makeup an I is tole
to set in a chair wile a lady an a feller commence to jam down this big rubber mask over my head
an fit it to the costume an start paintin over the lines where it showed. When they is thru, they say
for me to go back out to the movie set.
I can hardly walk on account of the webbed feet an it is hard to get the door open with a
webbed han, but finally I do an I suddenly find myself in a outdoor place with a big lake an all
sorts of banana trees an tropical-lookin shit. Mister Felder is there an when he seen me, he jump
back an say, "Terrific, baby! You is perfect for the part!"
"What part is that?" I axed, an he say, "Oh, didn't I tell you? I am doing a remake of The
Creature from the Black Lagoon." Even a idiot like me could guess what part he have in mind for
me to play.
Mister Felder motion for the lady he had been arguin with to come over. "Forrest," he say, "I
want you to meet Raquel Welch."
Well, you coudda knocked me over with a feather! There she were, all dressed up in a low-
cut gown an all. "Please to meet you," I says thru the mask, but Raquel Welch turn to Mister
Felder lookin mad as a hornet.
"What'd he say? Something about my tits, wasn't it!"
"No, baby, no," say Mister Felder. "He just said he was glad to meet you. You can't hear him
too well because of that mask he's got on."
I stuck out my webbed han to shake hans with her, but she jump back about a foot, an say,
"Uggh! Let's get this goddamn thing over with."
Anyhow, Mister Felder say the deal is this: Raquel Welch is to be flounderin in the water an
then she faints, an then I am to come up from under her an pick her up an carry her outta the
water. But when she revives, she looks up at me an is scared an commences to scream, "Put me
down! Help! Rape!" an all that shit.
But, Mister Felder say, I am not to put her down, cause some crooks is sposed to be chasin
us; instead, I am to carry her off into the jungle.
Well, we tried the scene, an the first time we done it, I thought it come off pretty well, an it
is really excitin to actually be holdin Raquel Welch in my arms, even tho she be hollerin, "Put me
down! Help, police!" an so on.
But Mister Felder say that ain't good enough, an for us to do it again. An that wadn't good
enough either, so we be doin that same scene bout ten or fifteen times. In between doin the scene,
Raquel Welch is crabbin an bitchin an cussin at Mister Felder, but he just kep on sayin,
"Beautiful, baby, beautiful!" an that sort of thing.
Mysef, I'm startin to have a real problem tho. On account of I been in the creature suit nearly
five hours now, an they ain't no zipper or nothin to pee thru, an I'm bout to bust. But I don't wanta
say nothin bout that, cause this is a real movie an everthin, an I don't want to make nobody mad.
But I gotta do somethin, so's I decide that the nex time I get in the water, I will jus pee in the
suit, an it will run out my leg or somethin into the lagoon. Well, Mister Felder, he say, "Action!"
an I go in the water an start to pee. Raquel Welch be flounderin aroun an then she faints, an I dive
under an grap her an haul her onto shore.
She wakes up an start to beatin on me an hollerin, "Help! Murder! Put me down!" an all, but
then she suddenly stop hollerin an she say, "What is that smell?"
Mister Felder holler, "Cut!" an he stand up an say, "What was that you said, baby? That ain't
in the script."
An Raquel Welch say, "Shit on the script! Somethin stinks aroun here!" Then she suddenly
look at me an say, "Hey, you— whoever you are— did you take a leak?"
I was so embarrassed, I did not know what to do. I just stood there for a secont, holdin her in
my arms, an then I shake my head an say, "Uh uh."
It was the first lie I ever tole in my life.
"Well somebody sure did," she say, "cause I know pee when I smell it! An it wadn't me! So
it has to be you! How dare you pee on me, you big oaf!" Then she start beatin on me with her
fists an hollerin to "Put me down!" and "Get away from me!" an all, but I jus figgered the scene is
startin up again an so I begun to carry her back into the jungle.
Mister Felder shout, "Action!" The movie cameras begun to rollin once more, an Raquel
Welch is beatin an clawin an yellin like she never done before. Mister Felder is back there
hollerin, "That's it, baby— terrific! Keep it up!" I coud see Mister Tribble back there too, settin in
a chair, kinda shakin his head an tryin to look the other way.
Well, when I get back in the jungle a little ways, I stopped an turned aroun to see if that's
where Mister Felder is fixin to yell "Cut," like he had before, but he was jumpin aroun like a wild
man, motionin to keep on goin, an shoutin, "Perfect, baby! That's what I want! Carry her off into
the jungle!"
Raquel Welch is still scratchin an flailin at me an screamin, "Get away from me you vulgar
animal!" an such as that, but I kep on goin like I'm tole.
All of a sudden she screech, "Oh my god! My dress!"
I ain't noticed it till now, but when I look down, damn if her dress ain't caught on some bush
back there an done totally unravel itself, Raquel Welch is butt neckid in my arms!
I stopped an said, "Uh oh," an started to turn aroun to carry her back, but she begin shriekin,
"No, no! You idiot! I can't go back there like this!"
I axed what she wanted me to do, an she say we gotta find someplace to hide till she gets
things figgered out. So I keep on goin deeper into the jungle when all of a sudden out of noplace
come a big object thru the trees, swingin towards us on a vine. The object swung past us once an I
could tell it was a ape of some sort, an then it swung back again an dropped off the vine at our
feet. I almost fainted dead away. It was ole Sue, hissef!
Raquel Welch begun to bawlin an hollerin again an Sue has grapped me aroun the legs an is
huggin me. I don't know how he recognized me in my creature suit, cept I guess he smelt me or
somethin. Anyhow, Raquel Welch, she finally say, "Do you know this fucking baboon?"
"He ain't no baboon," I says, "he's a orangutang. Name's Sue."
She look at me kinda funny an say, "Well if it's a he, then how come its name is Sue?"
"That is a long story," I say.
Anyhow, Raquel Welch is tryin to cover hersef up with her hans, but ole Sue, he knows what
to do. He grapped holt of a couple of big leaves off one of them banana trees an han them up to
her an she partly covered hersef up.
What I find out later is that we have gone across our jungle location onto another set where
they is filmin a Tarzan movie, an Sue is being used as a extra. Not long after I got rescued from
the pygmies in New Guinea, white hunters come along an captured ole Sue an shipped his ass to
some animal trainer in Los Angeles. They been usin him in movies ever since.
Anyway, we ain't got time to jack aroun now, on account of Raquel Welch is screechin an
bitchin again, say, "You gotta take me someplace where I can get me some clothes!" Well, I don't
know where you can find no clothes in the jungle, even if it is a movie set, so we jus keep movin
along, hopin somethin will happen.
It does. We suddenly come to a big fence, an I figger there probly be someplace on the other
side of it to get her some clothes. Sue finds a loose board in the fence an lifts it up so's we can get
thru, but as soon as I step on the other side, ain't nothin to step on, an me an Raquel go tumblin
head over heels down the side of this hill. We finally rolled all the way to the bottom an when I
look aroun, damn if we ain't landed right on the side of a big ole road.
"Oh my God!" Raquel Welch yell. "We're on the Santa Monica Freeway!"
I look up, an here come ole Sue, lopin down the hillside. He finally get down to us, an the
three of us be standin there. Raquel Welch is movin the banana leaves up an down, tryin to cover
hersef up.
"What we gonna do now?" I axed. Cars are wizzin by, an even tho we must of been a oddlookin
sight, ain't nobody even payin us the slightest attention.
"You gotta take me someplace!" she hollers. "I got to get some clothes on!"
"Where?" I says.
"Anywhere!" she screams, an so we started off down the Santa Monica Freeway.
After a wile, up in the distance, we seen a big white sign up in some hills say
"HOLLYWOOD," an Raquel Welch say, "We got to get off this damn freeway and get to Rodeo
Drive, where I can buy me some clothes." She is keepin pretty busy tryin to cover hersef up—
ever time a car come towards us, she put the banana leaves in front, an when a car come up from
behin, she move em back there to cover her ass. In mixed traffic, it is quite a spectacular sight—
look like one of them fan dancers or somethin.
So we got off the freeway an went across a big field. "Has that fuckin monkey got to keep
followin us?" Raquel Welch say. "We look rediculous enough as it is!" I ain't sayin nothin, but I
look back, an ole Sue, he got a pained look on his face. He ain't never met Raquel Welch before,
neither, an I think his feelins is hurt.
Anyhow, we kep goin along an they still ain't nobody payin us much mind. Finally we come
to a big ole busy street an Raquel Welch say, "Goodgodamighty— this is Sunset Boulevard! How
am I gonna explain goin across Sunset Boulevard butt neckid in broad daylight!" In this, I tend to
see her point, an I am sort of glad I got on the creature suit so's nobody will recognize me— even
if I am with Raquel Welch.
We come to a traffic light an when it turn green, the three of us walked on across the street,
Raquel Welch doin her fan dance to beat the band an smilin at people in cars an stuff like she was
on stage. "I am totally humiliated!" she hisses at me under her breath. "I am violated! Just wait till
we get outta this. I am gonna have your big ass, you goddamn idiot!"
Some of the people waitin in their cars at the traffic light commence to honkin they horns
and wavin, on account of they must of recognized Raquel Welch, an when we get across the
street, a few cars turn our way an start to followin after us. By the time we get to Wilshire
Boulevard we have attracted quite a sizable crowd; people come out of they houses an stores an
all to follow us— look like the Pied Piper or somethin— an Raquel Welch's face is red as a beet.
"You'll never work in this town again!" she say to me, flashin a smile to the crowd, but her
teeth is clenched tight.
We gone on a bit further, an then she say, "Ah— finally— here is Rodeo Drive." I look over
at a corner an, sure enough, there is a woman's clothing store. I tap her on the shoulder an point at
it, but Raquel Welch say, "Uggh— that's Popagallo. Nobody would be caught dead these days
wearing a Popagallo dress."
So we walked some more an then she say, "There— Giani's— they got some nice things in
there," an so we go inside.
They is a sales feller at the door with a little moustache an a white suit with a handkerchief
stickin out of the coat pocket, an he is eyein us pretty carefully as we come thru the door.
"May I help you, madam?" he axed.
"I want to buy a dress," Raquel Welch say.
"What did you have in mind?" say the feller.
"Anything, you fool— can't you see what's going on!"
Well, the sales feller point to a couple of racks of dresses an say there might be somethin in
there her size, so Raquel Welch go over an begin to look thru the dresses.
"An is there somethin I can do for you gentlemen?" the feller says to me an Sue.
"We is just with her," I say. I look back, an the crowd is all gathered outside, noses pressed
to the winder.
Raquel Welch took about eight or nine dresses into the back an tried them on. After a wile
she come out an say, "What do you think about this one?" It is a sort of brown-lookin dress with a
bunch of belts an loops all over it an a low neckline.
"Oh, I'm not so sure, dear," say the salesman, "somehow it— it just isn't you." So she go back
an try on another one an the salesman say, "Oh, wonderful! You look absolutely precious."
"I'll take it," say Raquel Welch, an the salesman say, "Fine— how would you like to pay for
it?"
"What do you mean?" she axed.
"Well, cash, check, credit card?" he say.
"Look you bozo— can't you see I don't have anything like that with me? Where the hell do
you think I'd put it?"
"Please, madam— don't let's be vulgar," the salesman say.
"I am Raquel Welch," she tell the man. "I will send somebody around here to pay you later."
"I am terribly sorry, lady," he say, "but we don't do business that way."
"But I'm Raquel Welch!" she shout. "Don't you recognize me?"
"Listen lady," the man say, "half the people that come in here say they are Raquel Welch or
Farrah Fawcett or Sophia Loren or somebody. You got any ID?"
"ID!" she shout. "Where do you think I would keep ID?"
"No ID, no credit card, no money— no dress," say the salesman.
"I'll prove who the hell I am," Raquel Welch say, an all of a sudden she pull down the top of
the dress. "Who else is got tits like these in this one-horse town!" she screech. Outside, the crowd
all be beatin on the winders an hollerin an cheerin. But the salesman, he punched a little button an
some big guy what was the security detective come over an he say, "Okay, your asses is all under
arrest. Come along quietly an there won't be no trouble."