冯?梅克夫人致柴可夫斯基
俄国富孀冯?梅克（1831－1894）极其喜爱俄国作曲家柴可夫斯基（1840－1893）及其作品。两人自1876年开始通信，却从未见面。冯?梅克夫人几乎每天都给柴可夫斯基写信，后又赞助柴可夫斯基年金六千卢布。 本信中提到的女人是安东尼亚?伊万诺沃娜?米柳科恩(Antonia Ivanovna Miliukone),1877年与柴可夫斯基结婚。
我最亲爱的，听说你在彼得堡过得很糟糕，我心里非常难过，可是——请原谅我——我又很高兴听到你说很怀念布赖洛夫。不知道你究竟能不能理解：尽管我和你之间没有亲密接触，而我却如此妒忌你。你知道吗？我妒忌得简直不可原谅，就像一个女人对她心爱的男人那样。你知道吗，你结婚那天，我简直无法忍受，心似乎都破碎了。一想到你和那个女人相处，我就痛苦万分。
你知道我是多么邪恶的一个人吗?听说你跟她相处不悦，我简直太兴奋了! 我责备自己不该有这种感情。我知道我没有表露任何迹象，却总是无法从这种感情中彻底解脱。这种事不是一个人所能控制的。
我恨那个女人，因为她不能让你快乐。可是，如果你跟她相处愉快的话，那我会百倍地憎恨她。我觉得她把本属于我一个人的东西夺走了，这是本应属于我的东西，因为我比任何人都爱你，在我眼中，你比世界上任何东西都有价值。
如果这些话让你烦心，请原谅我这种情不自禁的表白。我对你倾诉衷肠，原因是那首交响曲。不过，我认为你应该明白，我这个人不像你想像的那么理想。况且，这不会改变我们之间的关系，我也不愿它有所改变。我已下定决心，直到生命将尽，也不希望今生有何改变，不希望任何人…… 不过，我没有权利说这些话。请原谅我，忘掉我所说的一切吧——我心烦意乱。
原谅我，我身体很好，也不缺少什么，请放心。再见，亲爱的朋友，忘掉这封信中所言，但不要忘记真心爱你的，
N．冯?梅克
1879年9月26日
星期五晨八时
于布赖洛夫
附：若你不介意收到此信后请回信告知。
Mme von Meck
To
Brailov
Sept. 26, 1879
Friday at 8 A.M.
How sorry I am, my dearest, that you feel so badly in Petersburg, but—forgive me—I am gComd you are homesick for Brailov. I doubt if you could ever understand how jealous I am of you, in spite of the absence of personal contact between us. Do you know that I am jealous in the most unpardonable way, as a woman is jealous of the man she loves? Do you know that when you married it was terribly hard for me, as though something had broken in my heart? The thought that you were near that woman was bitter and unbearable.
And do you know what a wicked person I am? I rejoiced when you were unhappy with her! I reproached myself for that feeling. I don't think I betrayed myself in any way, and yet I could not destroy my feelings. They are something a person does not order.
I hated that woman because she did not make you happy, but I would have hated her a hundred times more if you had been happy with her. I thought she had robbed me of what should be mine only, what is my right, because l love you more than anyone and value you above everything in the world.
If this knowledge bothers you, forgive my involuntary confession. I have spoken out. The reason is, the symphony. But I believe it is better for you to know that I am not such an idealistic person as you think. And then, it cannot change anything in our reComtionship. I don't want any change. I should like to be sure that nothing will be changed as my life draws to its close, that nobody… But that I have no right to say. Forgive me and forget all I have said—my mind is upset.
Forgive me, please, and realize that I feel well and that I am in need of nothing. Good?by； dear friend, forget this letter, but do not forget your heartily loving,
N. vonMeck
P.S. Would you mind, please, acknowledging the receipt of this letter?＜T＜xt＞小＜说天？堂