' He will
walk over my tomb ， and will seek me in vain ！" Then， O my friend，
I could instantly ， like a true and noble knight ， draw my sword， and
deliver my prince from the long and painful languor of a living death ，
and dismiss my own soul to follow the demigod whom my hand had set free！
OCTOBER 19. Alas！ the void the fearful void， which I feel in my
bosom ！ Sometimes I think， if I could only once but once， press her
to my heart ， this dreadful void would be filled.
OCTOBER 26. Yes ， I feel certain ， Wilhelm， and every day I become
more certain， that the existence of any being whatever is of very little
consequence. A friend of Charlotte's called to see her just now. I withdrew
into a neighbouring apartment ， and took up a book ； but， finding I
could not read， I sat down to write. I heard them converse in an undertone
： they spoke upon indifferent topics ， and retailed the news of the
town. One was going to be married ； another was ill， very ill ， she
had a dry cough ， her face was growing thinner daily ， and she had occasional
fits. "N—— is very unwell too ，" said Charlotte. "His limbs begin to
swell already ，" answered the other； and my lively imagination carried
me at once to the beds of the infirm. There I see them struggling against
death ， with all the agonies of pain and horror； and these women， Wilhelm，
talk of all this with as much indifference as one would mention the death
of a stranger. And when I look around the apartment where I now am——
when I see Charlotte's apparel lying before me， and Albert's writings，
and all those articles of furniture which are so familiar to me ， even
to the very inkstand which I am using ，—— when I think what I am to
this family —— everything. My friends esteem me ； I often contribute
to their happiness， and my heart seems as if it could not beat without
them； and yet—— if I were to die ， if I were to be summoned from the
midst of this circle， would they feel—— or how long would they feel
the void which my loss would make in their existence？ How long ！ Yes，
such is the frailty of man， that even there， where he has the greatest
consciousness of his own being， where he makes the strongest and most
forcible impression ， even in the memory ， in the heart ， of his beloved，
there also he must perish ，—— vanish ，—— and that quickly.
OCTOBER 27. I could tear open my bosom with vexation to think how
little we are capable of influencing the feelings of each other. No one
can communicate to me those sensations of love， joy， rapture， and delight
which I do not naturally possess； and， though my heart may glow with
the most lively affection ， I cannot make the happiness of one in whom
the same warmth is not inherent.
OCTOBER 27： Evening. I possess so much ， but my love for her absorbs
it all. I possess so much ， but without her I have nothing.
OCTOBER 30. One hundred times have I been on the point of embracing
her. Heavens！ what a torment it is to see so much loveliness passing
and repassing before us ， and yet not dare to lay hold of it ！ And laying
hold is the most natural of human instincts. Do not children touch everything
they see？ And I！
NOVEMBER 3. Witness ， Heaven ， how often I lie down in my bed with
a wish， and even a hope， that I may never awaken again. And in the morning，
when I open my eyes ， I behold the sun once more ， and am wretched.
If I were whimsical ， I might blame the weather， or an acquaintance ，
or some personal disappointment ， for my discontented mind ； and then
this insupportable load of trouble would not rest entirely upon myself.
But ， alas ！