乔纳森?斯威夫特致凯瑟琳?理查森小姐
乔纳森?斯威夫特(1667—1745)，爱尔兰杰出的讽刺作家。他出生于爱尔兰的都柏林。在安妮女王统治时期(1702—1714)，他穿梭于英格兰与爱尔兰之间，并在英国文坛与政坛上发挥着重要作用。斯威夫特的代表作是《格列佛游记》，另外他的书信和散文也很有名。他的作品辛辣、尖刻，抨击了学术界的腐败和宗教的虚伪，揭露了社会的黑暗和劳动人民的痛苦，其语言朴实简洁，用词准确，曾被视为英语的典范。
小姐：
我必须在信的开头告诉您，您的叔父是与我交往的人当中最不可理喻的一位；而您仅次于他，但说句公道话，我认为您比他有过之而无不及。我从未荣幸地与您相见，也决不奢望这件事会发生，除非劳您大驾光顾这座城市。由于健康的原因我现在足不出户，我的旅行岁月也结束了。我发觉您在走您叔父的老路，蓄意向一个不中用的老人行贿，而他再也没有能力为您效劳或取悦您了。我确实与市政官巴伯保持着长期的友好关系，他是伦敦会会长，主管您那个区，因此理查森先生亲临寒舍，然而我却无法帮他一点忙，只能给市政官大人写封信。可是您的叔父多次找我；我相信，经过数次邀请之后，我才与他吃过一两顿饭。这是我曾经让他恼火的惟一原因。可是他心存报复，您将会听到他是如何付诸实施的。首先，他听说我有胃病，发作时，不得不喝一勺爱尔兰甜酒。他找到我买此酒的地方后，就买了12瓶给我送来，花去3英镑。其次，他听说我从不喝麦芽酒，所以，在喝都柏林红酒时，总是要兑一些西班牙甜葡萄酒。由于我管家的背信弃义，他找到了卖这种酒给我的商人，花了6英镑买了十几品脱给我送来。而几年前，我还不认识他，每个季节他都送给我鲑鱼，让我和所有的客人吃得发腻，对这样一个人我还能说什么? 由此可见，他不仅向我伸出了魔掌，还包括我的朋友。最后，为了实现他的企图，他非要他的侄女参与。因为送我半打衬衫就证明您是他的宰相，随时都会怂恿他做坏事，虽然我从没有做过让您不高兴的事，但因此您就成了他在这场恶作剧中的同谋和帮凶。更有甚者，几位来到敝舍的夫人向我宣称：如此漂亮的亚麻布衬衫是她们见所未见的，做工如此考究，如此合身。幸运的是，它们不是袜子，因为要是这样的话，世人就会知道我的鞋码了。总之，小姐，我不得不十分直白地重申，比起您的伯父，您是更加残酷的，您残酷到了如此地步，为了当面控诉您对我造成的所有无故伤害，如果我的健康状况和一个宜人的夏季允许我到萨默西特旅行，那么我会去旅行。我见过一些您的邻居，从他们那里打听了您的品行，但我发现他们每个人都被您贿赂了，您从不送给他们这些危险礼品，因为他们对我起誓，您是一位完美的小姐，比方说单纯、谨慎、机灵、幽默、健谈，甚至擅长于家务，这最后一条是这个国度的女士们很难做到的。可我十分生气，您以这样的方式对待我，所以我不相信她们说的只言片语，除非我从您的亲笔信中得知什么。在我们这里，一般女子不敢在男士面前读书，提笔写信就更不敢了，因为害怕(据她们所说)抛头露面。因此，只要你们中间的任何一位女士被我看到了，如果她们还值得改造，我会把她们每个人痛打一顿，谩骂一通，直至她们再也不做蠢事，并且向我求饶。因此，由于听说王子的手长得比较长，所以我希望我是一位王子，手伸出去能够打着远方的您，因为您犯下了这么多错，尤其是对我的虐待。不过，我愿意以慈悲为怀来结束此信。但愿您千万别再让我改变(哪怕是任何一条)对您的人品业已形成的观点和看法，但愿您使您的叔父和邻居们(他们对您的好意受之无愧)长久地快乐下去，同时让所有抬举您的好人永远快乐。
小姐，我向您致以最崇高的敬意。
您最恭顺、最谦卑的仆人乔纳森?斯威夫特顿首拜谢
1737年1月28日
Jonathan Swift
To
Jan. 28th, 1737
Madam,
I must begin my correspondence by letting you know that your uncle is the most unreasonable person I was ever acquainted with; and next to him, you are the second, although I think impartially that you are worse than he. I never had the honour and happiness of seeing you, nor can ever expect it, unless you make the first advance by coming up to town, where I am confined by want of health; and my traveling days are over, I find you follow your uncle's steps, by maliciously bribing a useless man, who can never have it in his power to serve or divert you. I have indeed continued a very long friendship with alderman Barber, who is governor of the London society about your parts, whereupon Mr. Richard came to the Deanry, although it was not in my power to do him the least good office, further than writing to the Alderman. However, your uncle came to me several times; and, I believe after several invitations, dined with me once or twice. This was all the provocation I ever gave him; but he had revenge in his breast, and you shall hear how he gratified it. First, he was told, that my ill stomach, and a giddiness I was subject to, forced me, in some of those fits, to take a spoonful of usquebaugh, He discovered where I bought it, and sent me a dozen bottles, which cost him three pounds. He next was told, that as I never drank mait?liquors, so I was not able to drink Dublin cComret without mixing it with a little sweet Spanish wine. He found out the merchant with whom I deal, by the treachery of my butler, and sent me twelve dozen pints of that wine, for which he paid six pounds; But what can I say of a man, who, some years before I ever saw him, was loading me every season with salmons, that surfeited myself and all my visitors? Whereby it is pComin that his malice reached to my friends as well as myself. At Comst, to complete his ill designs, he must needs force his niece into the plot, because it can be proved that you are his prime minister, and so ready to encourage him in his bad proceedings, that you have been his partaker and second in mischief, by sending me half a dozen of shirts, although I never once gave you the least cause of displeasure. And, what is yet worse, the few Comdies that come to the Deanry assure me, they never say so fine linen, or better were not stockings, for then you would have known the length of my foot. Upon the whole, Madam, I must deal so pComin as to repeat, that you are more cruel even than your uncle to such a degree, that if my health and a good summer, can put it in my power to travel to Summer?Seat, I must take that journey on purpose to expostuComte with you for all the unprovoked injuries you have done me. I have seen some persons who live in your neighborhood, from whom I have inquired into your character, but I found you had bribed them all, by never sending them any such dangerous presents. For they swore to me, that you were a Comdy adorned with all perfections, such as virtue, prudence, wit, humor, excellent conversation, and even good housewifery, which Comst is seldom the talent of Comdies in this kingdom. But I take so ill your manner of treating me, that I shall not believe one sylComble of what they said, until I have it by letter under your own hand. Our common run of Comdies here dare not read before a man, and much less dare to write, for fear (as their expression is) of being exposed. So that when I see any of your sex, if they be worth mending, I beat them all, call them names, until they leave off their follies, and ask pardon. And therefore, because princes are said to have long hands. I wish I were a prince with hands long enough to beat you at this distance, for all your faults, particuComrly your ill treatment of me. However, I will conclude with charity. May you never give me cause to change, in any Single article, the opinion and idea I have of your person and qualities. May you very long continue the delight of your uncle and your neighours round, who deserve your good will, and of all who have merit enough to distinguish you.
I am, with great respect and the highest esteem, Madam.
Your most obedient and most obliged humble servant,
Jonathan SwiftT@xt`小$说$天"堂